Power Struggle
by Dubenko Diehard
Summary: A sudden change in events forces Abby to make a drastic decision.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Power Struggle  
AUTHOR: Lindsey  
EMAIL: R (language)  
SPOILERS: Season 7-present  
ARCHIVE: email me for permission, please  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: My chapters usually tend to be on the short side... bear with me: ) Fic authors live for feedback, whether positive or negative! Love it? Hate it? Lemme know!  
DISCLAIMER: I have John Carter handcuffed to my headboard... and yet, I still don't own any characters, rights, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc.  
SUMMARY: A sudden change in events forces Abby to make a drastic decision.

Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...

Abby Lockhart's alarm startled her into the world of the conscious. She rolled over and pounced on the off button with a force to wake the dead.

15 minutes later

"Abby? Aaaaabbbyyyy... Sweetheart, time to get up." John Carter walked to the other side of the bed and knelt down beside her, shaking her gently. "Abby. Your shift starts in less than an hour... time to get up."

"No..."

John smiled. "Yes. Come on... Rise and shine." Waiting a few moments he said, "Abby. Now. You're gonna be late for your shift... You're not sick, you don't have a fever. Get up."

"I'm not going today," Abby mumbled, pulling the covers over her head.

Sighing, John grabbed his coat. "Fine. I'll tell Weaver you're sick and you can deal with her later. Abby?" His only answer was the sound of gentle snoring.

"Hey, Carter?" Malik stepped into the lounge, clutching a pile of charts. "Weaver needs you in Trauma 1."

Putting his hand over the end of his cell phone, Carter turned to face Malik. "Tell her I'm on my break. Get Lewis, she's asleep in Exam 2."

Not wanting to pester him, but feeling he had to, Malik continued. "She... she specifically asked for you."

Carter sighed. "Malik, I'm in the middle of a very important phone call. Please, just tell her I'll be there in a minute. If she doesn't like it she can get someone else."

"Okay, man. Whatever you say," Malik replied, leaving the lounge and heading to Trauma 1.

In the lounge, Carter paced back and forth, listening to the buzz of the phone, then finally the click of the answering machine, 'Hello, you've reached John Carter and Abby Lockhart. We're unable to answer the phone right now, so if you'd please leave your name and number, we'll get back to you.' Beep

"Abby... Sweetheart, it's me. Abby, please pick up the phone... Alright, look, I'll be home around seven. Call me when you get this message. Okay... I love you... bye." Carter closed his cell phone with a sigh. He'd left six messages before this one, telling her each time to call him, and nothing yet. She never acted like this, at least not when she was sober, which she had been for almost a year. He was beginning to get extremely worried about her.

John checked his watch as he climbed the stairs to their apartment. 7:15 Hopefully she'd be home and in one piece. His stomach turned as he unlocked the door.

"Abby?" There was no answer. "I'm home... Abby?" He searched the apartment, calling her name. Again and again, no answer. He returned to the living room and pressed a button on the answering machine. 'You have seven new messages.' John dropped his bag and listened to all seven messages left on the machine. To all seven pleas. To all seven 'I love you's. 

Just as he hit the erase button, the door opened and in breezed Abby, carrying an armful of groceries.

Carter rushed to help her, setting the bags on the counter next to him. He passionately kissed her, then grabbed her shoulders and stared at her with a look that could shatter glass. "Where the hell have you been?"

Confused, Abby shrugged off her jacket and slung it over the stool near the counter. "What are you talking about? I went to the store," she said. Suddenly, she started rushing around the kitchen. "After you left, I got this burst of energy, so I got dressed and went to the gym, the grocery store, clothes shopping..." She stopped and looked at him. "What?"

John was looking at her, concern etched on his face. Without a word, he headed for the bathroom.

Following him, she asked, "What... what are you doing?"

"Checking," he said, opening the medicine cabinet.

"For what? What? You think I'm on drugs or something? Is that it, John, huh? You think I'm getting high or something? Well, you're absolutely crazy!" She practically spat the words, ran to their bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

John sighed, turning the light off and leaving the bathroom. He wanted desperately to talk to her, to find out what was wrong, but he knew Abby well enough to know that she needed her space when she got angry.

1 hour later

John knocked softly on the bedroom door, hoping he'd given her enough time to cool down. "Abby? Can I come in?" "Yeah," she answered, sitting up on the bed. John opened the door and found Abby sitting there, hair tousled and clothes wrinkled. "Hey," he said. "Hi," she replied, wiping at her tear-stained face.

Sitting beside her, he gently took her in his arms. "What's wrong?" he asked, smoothing her hair.

"I'm so sorry, John. I didn't mean to-" "It's fine," he said. "Just tell me what's wrong."

"That's the thing. I don't know." 

"Did I do something wrong? Did something happen with your mother? With Eric? Was it something at work?"

Abby shook her head. "No, none of those things. I just... have the can't-help-it's I guess."

Suddenly, something occurred to him. "Abby, when was your last period?"

Pulling away to look at him, she smiled. "I'm not pregnant, if that's what you're thinking."

"Are you sure about that?" He knew the possibility wasn't all that great, but he couldn't come up with anything else, and like anything else in life, it was always possible.

"Uh, yeah. I think I would know if I were pregnant, thank you very much."

"Don't 'uh, yeah' me. You're a nurse, hell, you were an OB nurse at one point. You know that's not always true," he said, smiling.

"Oh shut up."

12 hours later County General

Kerry Weaver was on a rampage. She'd pulled two doubles in the last week and a half and she was letting everyone feel the toll it had taken. Practically sprinting to the admit desk, she made her presence known. "Carter!" she barked, snapping her fingers.

"Yes?" he asked, trying to give Kerry his full attention.

"Exams one, two and three are all yours," she said, handing him a chart for each.

"I've already got-"

"I don't care what you've already got," she said, writing his name on the board. "Get to work. There's plenty more where that came from."

As Kerry walked away, he sarcastically saluted her. "Yes, ma'am!" Just as Carter was about to head to Exam 1, he spotted Abby. "So..."

"Sooo...?" she replied, looking up from the chart she was writing on.

Shoving his hands in his pockets and looking straight ahead, he asked, "You take it?"

"Take what?" she asked, putting her pen in her pocket.

"C'mon."

She smiled. "No, I haven't. I was thinking it'd be better to do it at home, y'know... things tend to get around here pretty fast."

John nodded. "Okay, um, my shift is over in, well, never, considering Weaver's mood. Um... I'll... catch up with you later, 'kay?"

Abby laughed. She could see how the possibility of her being pregnant was affecting him. "Okay," she said, kissing him. Starting down the hall, she turned to face him. "Oh, and John? Don't start handing out cigars just yet, okay?"

"Ha ha, very funny," he said, smiling.

11pm John and Abby's apartment

John unlocked the door and threw his bag on the couch. "God, that was the longest shift in history."

Abby laughed. "Why? Because it was physically demanding, or because your little brain couldn't hold anything more than this question?" she asked, holding up the pregnancy test.

"That," he said, pointing to it. He walked toward her, taking the box out of her hands and kissing her deeply. "Or this... I can't remember now." She smiled, reaching for the box. "So, would you like to find out if you're going to be a daddy?" she asked. "Yes. Please." "Okay. I'll be right back," she smiled.

John paced the living room. He heard the bathroom door close as he crossed his fingers.


	2. Chapter 2

A minute and a half after the bathroom door had closed, Abby reappeared. John held his breath. "So?" he asked, his voice full of anticipation. 

"I'm not pregnant," she said softly, throwing the test in the trash.

John's face fell. "Abby..." he said, walking toward her and taking her in his arms.

She forcefully pulled away. "What? You're mad now?" she asked accusingly. John started to protest, but she continued. "You know, John, I can never make you happy, can I? I can never be the person you want me to be. You've always wondered why I can't be all these things. Why can't I be Sober Abby? Or Happy Abby? Or whatever the hell else you want me to be. Well, now I guess you're pissed because I'm not Pregnant Abby. God, John, why can't you just be happy with what you've got? Huh? Oh, that's right, John Carter's life has to be perfect because his family is. I'm sorry, John, but that's not me. Why don't you just go fuck some blonde bimbo? Then you can marry her and she can have as many of your children as you want. Hell, you can mold her into whatever the fuck you wished I would have been!" She stood there, staring at him for what seemed like hours. She slowly pulled her coat off the stool and just as slowly wrapped it around her shoulders, never taking her eyes off him for a second. 

John reached for her. "Abby, don't-"

Through the lump in her throat, she managed to speak. "I'm sorry, John, I just can't do this," she said shakily, backing toward the door.

John followed her. "Abby, please..."

"I just can't..." she said, holding her hands up as if to defend herself. She quickly turned the knob on the door and walked out, with John right behind her. "Don't. Don't follow me!"

Just as she picked up her pace, John caught her arm and held her. Silence enveloped them, until John finally spoke. "Please come back inside," he said softly, not wanting to anger her more. After a brief pause, she nodded. Sighing with relief, John led her back inside.

The days events weren't mentioned for the rest of the night. After a long, hot bath, Abby seemed to be in better spirits. She made them dinner and they watched movies together afterwards. That night, they made love for the first time in what seemed like forever. They laid there talking for hours and by the next morning they seemed to have a deeper understanding for one another.

Neither of them worked the next day. Abby spent the morning running errands, while John took care of business for the Carter Family Foundation.

That night, while Abby was fixing dinner, the phone rang. "John! Could you get that please?" She could hear the shower running and decided to let the machine pick it up. The machine clicked on and Maggie's voice filtered through the air. "Abby? Abby, are you there? Oh, well, I guess you and John must be out. I was just calling to say hello ... call me back. Love you. Bye!"

John walked into the kitchen just in time to hear the tail end of Maggie's message. He looked from the machine to Abby. "Was that your Mom?" Abby just stood there, frozen. "Abby?" he asked, walking toward her. He reached out just in time to catch her. She collapsed, sobbing, into his arms.

Through her sobs, Abby managed to speak. "I know what it is... John... I know what it is now..." She tried to gain her composure, but just ended up sobbing even harder. John tried to hold her the best he could as the sobs wracked her body. Shaking, Abby lowered herself to the floor.

Wiping the hair out of her eyes, John asked, "Abby? What's the matter? What's wrong?"

Abby maintained her composure long enough to speak. "It's happening. It's finally happening. I never thought it would happen to me," she said, as sobs once again took their hold over her body.

After her breakdown that night, John let Abby have as much space as she needed. He didn't try to force the subject, but he was there when she felt ready to talk.

Abby poked her head inside their bedroom. "John?" she whispered.

"Yeah?" he asked, turning off the TV and switching on the lamp next to the bed.

Abby sighed, putting her hands over her face and getting into bed next to him. Unable to look at him, she focused her attention on the sheets, tracing the designs with her finger. "John, I..." her sentence trailed off as shame controlled her. Looking him in the eye, she continued, "I'm so sorry. If I could change things I would. You don't deserve all this."

"Abby," he said, taking her face in his hands. "I love you. And we're going to get through this. Together. I promise you."

"But... you actually want to be with someone who's crazy?" she asked, half laughing. "I think you're crazy."

Carter laughed. "I don't doubt that. But Abby, we don't even know for sure yet. You need to go see a doctor tomorrow. I'll set up an appointment for you and we'll go from there, okay?"

Abby sighed, laying her head on the pillow and looking up at him. "Can't you do it?" she asked.

John smiled. "I think I'm involved enough as it is."

12 hours later 11:45am County General

"Yes, may I speak with Dr. Phillips, please?" John shuffled through charts in the lounge as he waited to set up Abby's appointment.

"Hey," Susan said, coming in the door and heading straight for the coffee pot.

"Hey," Carter replied. Just as Susan was about to sit down across from him, John asked, "Susan... This call is kinda... personal, would you mind...?"

"Oh, of course not. I'll be around if you need me," Susan said, leaving the lounge, balancing a pile of charts and a hot coffee with ease.

"Hello, Dr. Phillips? This is John Carter... Right. Um, I was wondering if it would be possible for you to see a patient this afternoon? Abigail Lockhart. Um, manic-depressive disorder... 2:15? Great. Thanks." John hung up the phone and sighed. Now if only he knew how to put a hush to the rumors that would inevitably be circulating by dinnertime.

Abby had called in sick that morning. Both she and John agreed that it probably wasn't a good idea for her to work until everything was sorted out.

The ring of the phone jolted Abby from her sleeping position on the couch. She quickly looked at her watch. 12:04 Shit, she thought as she picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Abby? It's me." Carter's voice filtered through the receiver. "I set up an appointment for you this afternoon, with Dr. Phillips. It's at 2:15. Do you want me to come get you?"

Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, Abby tried her best to pay attention to what Carter was telling her. "No, no. I'll be there. I can make it. 2:15, right?"

"Right," Carter replied.

"Okay, I'll be there. Thanks, John."

"Abby, are you sure you don't want me to come get you?"

"Yes!" She snapped, hanging up the phone.

County General 3:00pm

Frank pushed open the door to Trauma 1, where Carter and Weaver were working on a patient. "Carter, you have a phone call."

"Uh, I'm a little busy, Frank... Take a message," John said as he intubated the victim of a motorcycle accident.

"It's some doctor from upstairs. Says Abby missed her appointment," Frank stated.

John's head jerked up. "What!"

Kerry gave John a concerned look. "Go, John," she said.

"What line, Frank?" he asked, rushing to the phone.

"Two," Frank replied, leaving the room.

"This is John Carter," he said, a million things rushing through his mind. "She what? Oh, God. Thank you. I'll handle it... yes... thank you." John hung up the phone and sighed, looking around at the now-empty trauma room.

"They took him up to surgery," Kerry said, pulling off her gown and gloves. "You okay?"

"Look, Kerry, I gotta go. I've got 2 hours left on my shift. I'll... I'll make it up sometime, but I've really gotta go."

"Sure, sure," Kerry replied. "Everything all right, John?"

"I'll explain it to you later," he said, rushing out of the hospital.

John's stomach knotted as he climbed the stairs of their apartment building. What had she done? Where was she? Was she alive?

As soon as he unlocked the door, the smell of booze knocked him in the face. Stepping over broken bottles and shards of glass, John made his way over to the couch. "Oh, God. Abby?" Abby's still form was lying on the couch, a blanket and bottle on top of her.


	3. Chapter 3

John gently pried the empty bottle from Abby's fingers, setting it on the coffee table next to him.

"Abby... Come on, Abby..." John sighed. It was no use. Slipping a blanket off the back of the couch, he wrapped it tightly around her and picked her up.

Once he had her safely in the car, John sped to the hospital. Parking his car in the ambulance bay, he rushed Abby inside.

"Kerry, I need a gurney!" John called.

Kerry rushed out from behind the admit desk. "What happened!" she asked, helping John put Abby on the gurney. "Trauma two!"

John watched as Kerry, Susan and Chuny went to work on Abby. He just stood there, helpless. He knew he should be in there, but he just couldn't. He could barely stand to watch. Just then, Kerry stepped out of trauma two, startling John out of his thoughts.

"You never answered me, John. What happened?"

Carter shook his head. "I - I don't know. I found her... on the couch. There were broken bottles and... glass everywhere. The entire apartment smelled like a distillery."

"Well, she's starting to wake up. I sent the tests up to the lab with a stat order, they should be back within an hour. Would you like to go in?" Kerry asked.

Without a word, John stepped inside. Abby was slowly coming to and he wasn't sure what her mood would be, if she'd be calm and reasonable or manic and out of control.

Abby started to sit up. "Abby? You need to lay back down, sweetheart," Chuny said, coming to the side of the gurney.

Abby's eyes were fixed on John. "Why?" she whispered, her eyes brimming with tears. "Why did you bring me here!" She hopped off the gurney, pulling wires and machines with her.

John quickly blocked her path. "What are you doing!" she wailed. John picked her up, trying to lie her back down, but Abby kicked and screamed with the force of a five year old.

"Chuny! Get me five of Haldol!" John said, finally getting her on the gurney, although holding her down wasn't easy.

"No!" Abby screamed. "NO!"

Just then, Kerry returned with Abby's test results. "What's going on?" she asked, alarmed. "John, what are you doing!"

"Giving her five of Haldol," he said, retracting the needle from her arm.

"Dr. Carter, may I speak to you outside, please?"

Carter sighed. "Sure, Kerry."

Once outside the trauma room, Kerry exploded. "What the hell were you doing in there!"

John looked from the trauma room to Kerry. "She's bipolar, Kerry."

"What?" she asked, taken aback.

"She was supposed to have an appointment with Dr. Phillips this afternoon. That's what the call was about... in the middle of the trauma... they called to tell me she hadn't shown up. So, I rushed home and found her like this," he said, looking through the window at Abby's now sleeping form.

"Oh, God," Kerry said, covering her face with her hand. "I'm so sorry, John. I'll call Psych, have them take her up... They can talk to her when she wakes up, okay?"

Carter nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Kerry," he said, walking back into the trauma room and sitting next to Abby.

"Dr. Carter?"

John looked up to see Dr. DeRaad standing above him. "Yes?"

As he sat down next to him, John knew it wasn't good. "I talked to Abby," Dr. DeRaad said. "Judging from our conversation, her recent mood swings and family history, I'm afraid that we're looking at manic-depressive disorder."

John wiped his hands across his face. "God... she's bipolar."

"I'm afraid so," Dr. DeRaad said. "Would you like me to have someone come talk to you?"

John shook his head. "No, no. Thanks, though."

The older doctor rose from his chair. "Okay, well... I wrote her a scrip for lithium. Make sure she takes it on a set schedule, especially in the beginning."

John stood up and the two men shook hands. "I will," John said, nodding. "Thank you, so much."

1 week later John and Abby's apartment

"Time for your pills," John said, handing the dose and a glass of water to Abby.

"Thanks," she said, tossing back the pills with one gulp of water.

"I'm very proud of you," John said, taking a bite of his sandwich. He'd worked his schedule around so that he could eat lunch with Abby every day. She was off work for 10 days after her diagnosis, so she could relax and make sure she had adjusted to her meds.

"Thanks," she replied, giving him a smile. "I'm proud of me, too."


	4. Chapter 4

County General 10 days after Abby's diagnosis

"Abby! There's a trauma coming in... auto versus pedestrian. We need you, now!" 

Stifling a yawn, Abby came around the admit desk. "What's the ETA, Haleh?"

"Now!"

The doors swung open and Abby was at the side of the gurney immediately, trying her best to pay attention to what the paramedics were telling her.

Once they were in the trauma room, Abby couldn't take it anymore. "Haleh? Could you take this, please?"

Not waiting for Haleh's approval, Abby bolted from the trauma room and headed straight for the lounge. Peeking her head inside, she was relieved to find the room empty. She rushed to her locker and fumbled slightly with the combination. With trembling hands, she zipped open her bag and took out a bottle of lithium. She took the two tablets over to the sink and gulped them down with ice cold water.

"Abby?" Susan stepped into the lounge, a concerned expression etched on her face. "You okay?" she asked.

Abby gulped and nodded. "Yeah, Susan. I'm fine. I just had a... headache."

"Haleh said you bolted out of a trauma," Susan stated, stepping closer to her friend.

Abby took a few defensive steps back. "Uh, yeah... I had... an emergency phone call."

"Eric?" Susan asked.

"Uh, no... It was about a patient," Abby lied.

"Oh, okay. Well, as long as you're all right..."

Abby nodded. "Yep. Couldn't be better. Thanks, Susan."

With a nod and one last quizzical look at Abby, Susan left the lounge. Something was seriously wrong with her friend and she was determined to find out what it was.

1 week later - County General

Abby's adjustment to work and medication had been smooth, despite a few minor bumps in the road.

On a frigid November morning Abby breezed into work, greeting everyone as she went. She made her way into the lounge and began putting her things away. Just as she was ready to leave, John walked in.

"Hey," he said, kissing her gently on the cheek.

Abby smiled. "Hi."

"When are you off?" he asked.

"In 11 hours and 59 minutes," she said, looking at her watch.

"You're a minute late, Ms. Lockhart," John said, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "You don't want me to have to punish you here and now, do you?" John whispered, slipping a hand between her legs.

Abby's breath caught in her throat. "John... I - I have to get to work..." she said, gently pulling away.

"Aww, come on, Abby. I've hardly gotten to see you in a week." He grabbed her hands playfully and grinned. "Much less take advantage of you."

"Take advantage of me?" she laughed and put her arms around his neck. "When are you off, Dr. Carter?" she asked, a twinkle in her eyes and a devilish grin creeping up her lips.

"Oooohhh..." Carter childishly groaned. "Do I have to wait 'til then?"

"Well... Have you been a good boy?" she asked, starting to undo his belt buckle.

"Yes, ma'am. I..."

Both Carter and Abby snapped to attention as the lounge door opened and Kerry stepped inside. "Abby, John... What time is it?"

Abby looked at her watch, visibly annoyed. "Seven oh three," she said, sighing.

"Well, Ms. Lockhart, the last time I checked, your shift started promptly at seven. I've been cutting you some slack lately, but that gives you no right to sit in the lounge and play tonsil hockey with your boyfriend. Get to work! Same goes for you, Carter!" With a final glare, Kerry left the lounge.

Carter glanced toward the door and pulled Abby closer. "I want you," he whispered. "Now."

"Carter... Hey, how about this? I'll meet you in the suture room when we're both on break," she said, running her leg up Carter's.

"It's a date," he whispered, his voice deep and husky.

Both Carter and Abby's schedules were packed that day. They'd had two major traumas in a span of 3 hours and things were growing more hectic by the minute. Finally there was a lull in the action and both were in desperate need of a breather... and of each other.

Carter walked out of Exam 2 and spotted Abby making notes on a chart at admit. He snuck up behind her and whispered, "Are you ready?"

Abby smiled. "Uhh... yeah. Suture room's full. Where to?" she asked, as he took her hand and led her down the hall.

"Well, I know a deserted storage closet..."

Abby grinned. "Lead the way."

Once they were safely locked in the somewhat spacious closet, they were like two caged animals dying to be set free. Carter passionately kissed her, leaning her against the wall. He gently slid one hand down her pants, one into her scrub top and let his fingers do the talking.

"Ahh... Caaa... Carter!" Abby almost screamed in ecstasy. She quickly undid his belt buckle and slipped her hand inside to find that he was rock hard. She placed soft kisses up his neck and slipped her tongue delicately inside his mouth. They stayed this way for a while, moving in rhythm with one another, each moan answering the other.

Carter gently laid Abby on the floor, finding a stray pillow to support her head. "Come on down, bad boy," she said, her pulse racing. Carter discarded his clothes on the floor and lowered himself next to Abby. "What are you waiting for, baby?" she purred. He gently removed her scrubs and ran a finger up her inner thigh, caressing her gently and slipping a finger inside. "Oh, John... John, please... now..." John took her in his arms and slipped himself inside.

The feel of her felt incredible. As many times as they'd had sex before, it had never felt like this. Abby took her mouth with his, running a hand through his hair while they rocked in a steady rhythm together. 

"Baby, you're wonderful," he whispered, kissing the top of her head. "I love you."

Abby smiled. "I love you, too," she said, slipping a hand between his legs as he laid next to her.

All of a sudden, something occurred to her. She rolled over and grabbed her watch from atop the pile of clothes in the corner. "Shit!"

"What?"

"John... we're gonna be late for our shift if we're not there in... two minutes," she said, looking at him.

John just laughed. 

"What's so funny," she asked.

"Just... the situation," he said.

She fought a smile. "How is that funny?"

"It just... is," he said, running a hand up one of her legs and down the other.

"John... come on," she begged. "We can finish this tonight, I promise. I'm already in enough trouble with Weaver as it is." She stood up and frantically began to get dressed.

Carter just laid there and looked up at her. "All right," he said. "As long as you promise."

The rest of John's shift had been very hectic. He'd lost two patients and worked on a hellish trauma.

Walking towards admit, he noticed that Abby was sitting in Chairs.

"What are you doing?" he asked, walking up to her.

Abby flat-out ignored him, watching the people around the hospital.

"Abby."

Abby looked at him with a blank expression. "Yeah?"

John sat down beside her. "What are you doing?"

"I'm on my break," she said, giving John an 'isn't-it-obvious?' look.

Without a word, Carter went into the lounge, opened Abby's locker and took out her pills. He popped open the cap and counted them. He counted them three times and came out with the same number each time. She had missed two doses.


	5. Chapter 5

John held the container of lithium so tight that he thought it might break. A thousand things were going through his mind. What was she thinking? Was it an accident? Was it intentional? He didn't have an answer for any of them, but the question that bothered him the most was... _What am I going to do with her?_

He quickly made his way over to Chairs, where Abby still sat, motionless. Carter noticed that she looked practically oblivious to everyone and everything around her, which seemed like an unimaginable feat to him, considering the ER seemed to be at its breaking point - extremely crowded and very noisy. Carter tried to keep his cool as he sat down next to her. She turned to face him and seemed almost startled by either the expression on his face or his very presence - which one it was, he couldn't tell.

"When was the last time you took these?" he asked, holding up the bottle of pills.

Abby stared at the container blankly. Her blank expression gave way to a confused one. After a pause, she slowly said, "Those? I don't... need 'em anymore."

She began looking around at the chaos of the ER. Carter shook his head and tried his best to get her attention focused on him. "A-Abby... Abby? Abby, listen to me," he said, resting his hands on her shoulders and turning her to face him, forcing her to at least try to pay attention. Carter glanced around, then back at Abby. "Let's... let's go in the lounge," he said, taking her hand.

"NO!" She forcefully shoved him away from her, startling him and the several doctors, nurses and patients in the halls. "You don't own me, John Carter! Just leave me alone! I never ask anything of you, but now I am! Just leave me alone!" John grabbed her around the waist and tried to force her into the lounge, but with no success. Abby was screaming, crying and kicking, trying her best to get away from Carter. Finally she succeeded and made a beeline for the ladies' room, but to her surprise, Luka caught and held her. Abby fought again with all her might as Luka carried her to Exam Four, lying her on the bed as gently as he could - which wasn't easy, considering she was still kicking and screaming.

"Do you want Haldol?" Luka asked Carter, who had followed them into the room and was now standing by the door.

John just nodded. He wasn't sure how much more he could take. He didn't like living his life waiting for the other shoe to drop. But then again, he didn't like living his life without Abby. He snapped out of his thoughts and sank into a chair Chuny had brought him. He just sat and stared at Abby, who was now calming down and falling asleep, no doubt a result of the drugs Luka had given her.

Kerry had seen Abby's manic episode earlier that day, and she wasn't happy about the decision that had to be made.

She stepped into the lounge and nearly ran straight into John. "Oh, John. I'm sorry. Um... are you busy? There's... there's something that I need to discuss with you. Privately. Um... do you mind if we go back into the lounge?" she asked, fidgeting.

John was studying her intently. Kerry never appeared nervous around him. He had a hunch as to what she wanted to discuss. "Sure, Kerry," he said, sighing and walking back into the lounge.

Once safely inside and out of earshot of the rest of the hospital, Kerry poured herself a cup of coffee and sat across from John at the table. For a moment, Kerry almost backed out and considered rethinking her decision. But as she studied her coffee mug and looked up at John, she knew she was doing the right thing.

She took a deep breath and began to speak. "John... aside from this morning, how has Abby been... adjusting?"

"Very well, all things considered. I mean, there have been some ups and downs, but she's been working through it." After a pause, he asked the dreaded question. "Why?"

"Given her family's medical history, her recent working habits, her episode this morning and the overall uncertainty of her illness..." Kerry forced her eyes to meet Carter's. "...I'm afraid we're going to have to let her go, John. I'm sorry." Kerry's voice was hardly a whisper. She hated doing this to her. To both of them.

John just sat there, stunned. Kerry waited for him to speak, and when he didn't she continued, resting her hand on her forehead and shaking her head. "I'm so sorry, John. It's not that she's not a good nurse or that I want to do this to her... it's just that I have to. I... I'll try to help in any way I can. It's just that... with her illness, we can't be certain of her on and off times and I don't want to... put our patients in danger." She hated herself for saying the words, but deep down, they all knew it was true. "I could get her a job in another part of the hospital, but as of right now, working in the ER just doesn't seem to be the best situation. She missed two doses of her meds, John. The reason she missed them was because of two traumas that were brought in. We can't time every car accident, every shooting."

John nodded. He knew she was right, but what was this going to do to Abby? She could go into massive depression for weeks. John rose from his chair, shoving his hands in his pockets and heading for the door. "Okay. Thanks, Kerry."

"John?"

Carter turned to face Kerry. "Yeah?"

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

John opened the door as he said, "No, I'll do it."


	6. Chapter 6

Abby stared at John intently, tears brimming her eyes, threatening to overflow. She couldn't - and wouldn't - believe him. How could this happen? After all she'd done, all she'd sacrificed for that damn hospital. And damn Kerry Weaver - the coward, she didn't have the balls to tell Abby herself.

Abby snapped back to reality - or lack thereof, she thought. Just then, the tears won out and she covered her face with her hands. "Why? How? How could they do this to me, John?" Abby looked up as John came over to her and wrapped her in a tight embrace.

"I don't know, sweetheart," John said, lightly kissing the top of her head. "I'm so sorry, Abby. I know it won't be much consolation, but Kerry offered to find you a position in a different department."

"What? The psych ward?" she asked bitterly.

John ignored her comment. "There are plenty of things you could do, especially with your medical knowledge," he said. "Secretarial positions... assistants... aides... You don't necessarily have to look at this as an ending, Abby."

"Yes, plenty of things I can do with my medical knowledge," she repeated, looking up at him. "Except practice medicine."

John took Abby's hand in his, massaging it with his thumb. "Abby, if there were any other way..." he trailed off as he looked at her, knowing that she understood what he wanted to say. After a pause, he added, "Kerry said she'd keep you on the schedule for another two weeks, y'know, until you can find something else."

Abby let out a laugh; hopping off the stool she'd been sitting on in their kitchen. "What? So, I've been told I can't work there anymore, basically so I don't kill anyone... and now they're telling me I can work for another two weeks? What, is every patient coming through the ER in the next two weeks gonna have a death wish?"

The next two weeks were a blur for both Abby and Carter. She managed to stay on her meds and was excused from traumas and procedures when needed, with no questions asked.

Abby's job search was rather uneventful. Kerry offered her a receptionist position up in the OR and after much thought, she declined. She decided working at County, in any position in any department, would not be a good idea. She wanted to start fresh, find something new. Abby discussed this issue with Carter near the end of her two weeks.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"Where would you go? Northwestern? Mercy?" he asked, a sinking feeling coming over him.

"Uh... I don't know," she said, smiling at him. "I haven't gotten that far yet."

"But you're staying in Chicago... right?"

Abby shrugged. "I'm definitely gonna try. I mean, I'll have to explore my options further, but most likely."

John sighed with relief. He couldn't imagine her not being there. Not being in his life. He shuddered at the very thought.

Abby's last shift was bittersweet. Over the past two weeks, she had grown on the idea of starting over, but there was no question that she would miss her coworkers, many of whom had become her friends.

"Hey," Susan said, stepping into the lounge.

"Hi," Abby said, turning toward her friend with a knowing smile.

"Sooo..." Susan said, giving Abby a sad smile as she sat next to her. "How're things going?"

"Okay... I guess," she said, crossing her arms and leaning her elbows on the table. "It's a little... weird and... sad. But then again, it's kinda..."

"Exhilarating?" Susan finished for her with a laugh.

Abby smiled the first real smile Susan had seen for quite some time. "Yeah, that's one word for it. It almost feels like I'm getting out of prison when I thought I had a life sentence."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Susan smiled. "I thought the same thing when I left for Phoenix... and look where I am now. Although, I still remember the sense of... adventure I had when I turned in my ID and headed for the train station." Susan sipped her coffee and smiled at the memory.

Just then, Susan's pager went off. "Well, that's me," she said, rising from her seat. "I'll see you later. And don't you dare leave without saying good-bye!" Susan called over her shoulder as she left the lounge.

The good-byes and well wishes had been tough, but Abby managed to survive. John had gone home with her that day and they spent the rest of the night quietly, each lost in their own thoughts.

The next day dawned bright and sunny. John had a shift at 9 and decided to let Abby sleep. She'd mentioned the night before that she was going to stay home and search the classifieds.

John returned home that evening, completely exhausted. He unlocked the door to the apartment and found it dark and empty. He figured she'd gone out shopping, something else she'd mentioned doing the night before, until he caught sight of the letter on the kitchen counter.

_Dear John,_

I don't know what to say. You've been the greatest thing in my life. Not one of the greatest, not the greatest so far. The greatest. Period. So in saying that, writing this letter is extremely difficult.

I sat home today, going through the Classifieds in the Trib. and thinking over something Susan said to me yesterday. We were talking in the lounge and she mentioned how excited she felt when she first left County and Chicago all those years ago. I thought about it and I realized she was right. I don't just need to leave County. I need to get out of Chicago. I called my Mom and Eric and we played the 'Kiss and Make Up' game, so by the time you read this, I'll be on my way to Minnesota to be with them. I'm not sure what will happen after that, but I will let you know. If you decide to leave it all behind (or just visit), there is a white envelope in the bottom drawer of my dresser. The money in it will be more than enough for a round-trip ticket (or one-way) to Minnesota.

I know you're probably angry, and you have every right to be. I didn't do this because I don't love you, or didn't want to say good-bye; I did it because if I'd have waited any longer, the opportunity would have passed me by. If you decide to stay in Chicago and at County, I hope whatever decisions and sacrifices you make for either one are worth it. Make sure every decision you make in your life is totally worth it, John.

I know one decision that was worth everything - and that was finding and falling in love with you. Thank you for everything you've ever given me, John. Like all decisions, I hope it was worth it. I'm come to realize that life is a power struggle. Don't fight too hard, but never surrender. I will always love you. Don't think for a second that I haven't or don't. Please come... to stay, visit, or at least call. I'll try to be in touch as soon as I can.

_Always and Forever Yours,  
Abby_


End file.
